Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
