My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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