oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
