i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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