i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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