So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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