I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
