Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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