I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
