The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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