you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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