Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
