Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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