Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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