laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
