I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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