Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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