I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
