I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I supernannyed him into submission
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
