Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
