were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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