oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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