The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
