Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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