girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
