There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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