saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
