i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
