So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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