I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
