Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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