this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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