just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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