her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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