Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
