The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
