imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
