I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
