she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
