sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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