I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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