i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
