I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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