Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
