This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
