im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
