I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
