Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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