just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
