A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
