Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
