a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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