please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
