I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My penis needs a shock collar
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
