Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
